Jewish Ritual in the Time of Corona: Pandemic Bar and Bat Mitzvahs
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Jessica became a Bat Mitzvah on December 5th at Congregation Beth Israel, in West Hartford, with her large 4 generation family in attendance. Covid-19 prevented a party from happening afterwards, but being together as a family for the service and a lunch was plenty of celebration. As it true for all families, it’s been a year of adaptation and Resilience.
As we approach this weekend’s one year anniversary of the Pandemic Shutdown, I am reflecting on the year we’ve been through and the ways in which as a photographer, it’s been a difficult but sacred journey of finding new ways to honor - through photographs - a ritual that connects children on the cusp of adolescence with their ancestors and with a Jewish community bigger than them. I love, love, love photographing Bar and Bat mitzvahs. They are a blast because they are beautiful, joyful celebrations of kids, Jewish tradition, love, connection and fun. From the serious pictures on the bimah, with the Torah they have spent a year learning to read and to wrestle with, to playful family photographs, to the crazy, wild fun parties, the images that are produced tell a story of who they are, and can be like a loving embrace to a child entering turbulent middle school years - showing them that they are loved by family and friends and by a community that has their back. And with the pandemic, came a whole new set of challenges, disappointments, and new options - outdoor services, Zoom ceremonies, car parades, food trucks and small backyard gatherings. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me start at the beginning.
On March 12th, 2020, I clearly remember the barrage of texts and then a long phone call with Lisa Baitch, a distraught, tearful mom, as she tried to decide whether to hold her March 14th B’nai Mitzvah for her twins two days later. The confusion and fear and non-refundable deposits swirled in her head, and she decided to go through with it, safety precautions in place. A day later, the entire country shut down. We’re coming up on the anniversary of that event, and the vaccine rollout helps us see the light at the end of the tunnel. There isn’t, though, any certainty what the coming year will look like in terms of celebrations and gatherings, and I think a lot about what one Bar Mitzvah mom, Cindy Kaplan, said to me after her son’s radically altered Bar Mitzvah: The pandemic allowed the focus to be her son’s learning, and that they were able to “create a service and celebration that fit him rather than fitting him into the box of the community’s expectations of what a Bar Mitzvah is supposed to look like.”
During this year, I had the pleasure of witnessing many such events, modified to fit the times and be true to the spirit and needs of their child. I felt so alive making images, because everything was fresh and new (and personally was grateful to be in a sanctuary for a service, since my own synagogue has still not reopened for in-person services). My hope was to give back beautiful, storytelling images for each family to enjoy for a lifetime. Masked family photos on the bimah, socially distanced group photos at small outdoor lunches, sanctuaries that resembled sound studios with elaborate zoom set ups all scream of this unique time in our history, a year like none other, and will all be part of the unique story that kids becoming Bar and Bat Mitzvahs will tell to their kids and grandkids who will look at the bar/bat mitzvah albums and ask questions.
First, a glimpse from three 2020 pre-pandemic mitzvahs, including the one on March 14, right on the cusp of the world shutting down. During the pandemic, 18 families held services and way smaller parties than initially planned. Others cancelled altogether and many changed dates, and changed them again. Some held services on the scheduled date but moved the party to 2021. I hold happy memories of each and every bar and bat mitzvah, every one so different from the next. As I look back on a challenging year+, I wanted to offer a collage of images to celebrate how each family marked this important ritual during a pandemic, crossing the bridge of disappointment to something unique, personal and beautiful.
Remember when ALL bar and bat mitzvahs looked like this?
Ari, who became a Bar Mitzvah pre-pandemic on Feb 29th, is held aloft, surrounded by over 100 family and friends.
Moussia became a Bat Mitzvah on March 1 when friends could still hold hands, swing, and scream in delight
Pre-pandemic, when an unmasked Rabbi Rosen, of Beth El Temple, in West Hartford, could bless a Bar Mitzvah boy with his hand actually touching his shoulder.
The Last Hora, on March 14th, to celebrate twins Ari and Jordan. At the time, it was believed that Covid-19 spread through physical contact with an infected person or surface, so people linked arms, rather than hold hands. Masks, though, were not yet known about as a deterrent. A day later, the world shut down.
In early April, Jack celebrated the first Pandemic Bar Mitzvah in an empty sanctuary at Congregation Beth Israel in West Hartford, with only the Rabbi (Michael Pincus), Cantor (Stephanie Kupfer) and his immediate family in attendance. Within weeks of this Bar Mitzvah, new understanding about the spread of Covid and new rules about masks and social distancing came out, and the Rabbi would move to have a podium at the far end of the bimah and the Cantor would sing from the choir loft.
With his sisters, he made the most of it.
Six months later, on a Saturday night in October, he had a masked, socially distanced Drive-In movie party at the JCC Swim and Pool Club. It was an inventive way of celebrating safely. Before the movie, the kids ran around and flew planes they’d made in an open field. Boppers Entertainment provided the large screen, and party planner Vicki Ross set up a hot chocolate, tea and coffee station, along with getting individually boxed dinners for all the attendees.
In early June, plans for a large Bat Mitzvah service and party for Jordan (below) at the Inn at Boltwood were scrapped, replaced by a zoom Bat Mitzvah service in the backyard. In attendance were 4 members of the immediate family, service leader Alison Morse, zoom maestro Brian Bender and myself.
Jordan reads from the Torah at her backyard Bat Mitzvah with only her family and service leader in attendance.
After the initial disappointment, her parents reconsidered the whole standard party concept, and came up with what I consider to be one of the most unique decisions I’ve ever heard regarding Bat Mitzvah celebrations during Covid. Large parties come with large price stickers, and with another daughter having a Bat Mitzvah two years after Jordan, they crunched some numbers and decided that instead of spending on two parties, they could use their resources and get an in-ground pool in their backyard that the family and their friends would enjoy forever, not just for two nights! Jordan will have a pool party in 2021, a year after her Bat Mitzvah, and her sister will also have a pool party when it’s her time to celebrate becoming a Bat Mitzvah.
Jordan, on her Bat Mitzvah.
A week later, in Belmont MA, Dora’s Bat Mitzvah was dramatically altered. Until the last minute it was unclear if a service would even be allowed, and when it was decided that yes, it could happen, only the immediate family was allowed into the sanctuary. I had to do family photos outside, as I was not permitted in. In addition to family photos, her Hebrew School class showed up just as she was entering the sanctuary and celebrated her from a distance. Extended family watched from Dora’s house, and young cousins decorated the street for her arrival home, where they enjoyed lunch together.
Dora, outside of Beth El Temple Center.
Dora with her Hebrew School classmates who had a car parade in the parking lot before the service.
Dora’s uncle, aunt and cousin watch the service in her home, as no more than her immediate family was allowed into the sanctuary.
For Madeline S, there were so many changes. Most dramatic was her Bat Mitzvah was supposed to happen in Israel in October followed by a big party at the Delamar when she returned. When all travel was shut down, and when fears of a Fall spike in the Covid virus raised great concerns, Madeline’s mother moved the date to August for the service, followed by an elegant lunch outdoor at the Delamar with family friends and a handful of Madeline’s friends. The day was beautiful, the setting gorgeous, the food and cake exquisite, and Madeline and her camp friends danced in the large open field and had a great time.
Madeline, with her parents at Congregation Beth Israel, in West Hartford.
A socially distanced group photo of three different families and a handful of Madeline’s friends.
Madeline’s was not the only family to pivot from a large Fall gathering to a more intimate late summer one. In Boston, Cindy Kaplan went from planning a 275 person service and party at a downtown hotel for November, to a tented Bar Mitzvah for 25 in her backyard for her youngest child Micah. When she couldn’t get a deposit refund from the d.j., she used the money to bring in a giant 70 inch tv screen on which the rabbi could zoom in and be larger than life, and distant family members could read their parts and very much be part of the celebration.
After Micah received his tallis from his parents, the rabbi - who participated via Zoom - asked him to close his eyes and take in this moment, and the great love of his parents, his family and his community. It was a pause that was beautiful, and actually made me cry. One of the biggest positive impacts of Covid on Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, is that the emphasis has returned to the meaning and significance of the service, not the party.
“Since Micah’s Jewish education had already been outside of the mainstream, I fully anticipated that his bar mitzvah could be as well. That said, plans were in place for a service in the sanctuary and a dinner and party in a hotel room, outlined in glass windows overlooking the Charles River and the Boston skyline. While there was certainly disappointment in not being able to celebrate with family and being able to enjoy the festivities with relatives from out of town, we were far enough along in the pandemic to accept that our original plans would need to shift. The more I thought about a smaller, outdoor service at our house, and started moving forward with it, things just fell into place. Micah does not like the spotlight, so for him, a smaller crowd in person was preferable. he was not disappointed to let go of the DJ dance party and replace it with a taco truck and ice cream truck in the driveway. He ended up inviting two friends only, and was thrilled to have his 1st cousin come from Chicago. Our nearest and dearest friends and relatives who live locally were able to be with us outside. Extended family and friends joined us via Zoom on a huge tv screen mounted in the tent where we all sat. Despite rain falling during our set up, the sun made it’s way through the clouds and we ended up being able to focus on the essence of the bar mitzvah highlighting where Micah is in his learning and creating a service and celebration that fit him rather than fitting him into the box of the community’s expectations of what a bar mitzvah is “supposed to look like.””
Cindy says it all when she says that the restrictions of Covid have let families shift from ‘community expectations of what a bar mitzvah is supposed to look like’ to something more authentic to their child, and meaningful to their family. It was a perfect blend of intimacy and technology, and as the evening was coming to an end, Micah said “Wait, don’t I get lifted up in the air?” Someone found a hora tune on their iPhone, and up he went, followed by his mother and father!
Zachary, scheduled for a Fall Bar Mitzvah, moved his service up to August 22nd, to avoid the fear of a Fall surge, and to make it special they had a two-hour baseball party on the field of the Yard Goats with all of his baseball teammates and friends. A slideshow of his life ran on the large Jumbotron! Even when a light rain fell, Zachary and his friends had a blast!
In Longmeadow, MA, Schneur had his Bar Mitzvah while away at summer camp, but on August 30th, he celebrated with a car parade outside of his school Lubavitcher Yeshiva Academy, and with a family photo session. While waiting with Schneur and his father for the rest of their family, I was doing formal pictures when the dad asked if he could put his son on his shoulders. I couldn’t believe it. It was such a wonderful, spontaneous moment!
Schneur on his father Menachem’s shoulders.
Schneur and his family in Longmeadow MA.
Schneur hands a goodie bag to a family who came to the drive-by car parade in his honor outside of his school, Lubavitcher Yeshiva Academy.
When Jacob (below) became a Bar Mitzvah at Beth El Temple in West Hartford on Labor Day (Monday), the synagogue, working in conjunction with the local West Hartford and Bloomfield Boards of Health, had figured out to safely have services with 25 people socially distanced in their small sanctuary. Here he says the blessing over the Torah as Cantor Ness holds the prayer book.
Because Jacob’s grandparents and family from his dad’s side couldn’t attend, mom Laura had a creative idea to take my photograph and add zoom images of them to a collage that she’ll have printed for them. Technology has certainly allowed for a sense of connection in a time when it hasn’t been safe to travel, especially for anyone with other health concerns.
Rabbi Jeffrey Bennett, of Temple Sinai, in Newington CT, is a man of great warmth and joy. During Covid, that spirit hasn’t been hands on, but he’s brought it with him over Zoom, where he leads services from the safety of his home. When Zach had his bar mitzvah on October 17th, it was a family-only affair, with his aunt, uncle, cousins and one set of grandparents in person, another on the Zoom call. When he completed the service, it was a GREAT spontaneous moment when he threw his arms up in celebration of his accomplishment.
Rabbi Jeffrey Bennett, talking with Zach via Zoom before the service.
Zach celebrating the completion of his Bar Mitzvah at Temple Sinai, in Newington CT.
When grandparents couldn’t be there in person, a Zoom Bar Mitzvah is the next best thing
Lyla had been planning a May 24th Rosh Chodesh Bat Mitzvah at Congregation Or Shalom in Orange, CT where her older sister had had her Bat Mitzvah, where her parents were married, and where her grandparents are members. It was postponed to October, and the venue was changed to her grandparents’ big back yard where a tent could be set up for the 50 guests. Rabbi Alvin Wainhaus, who’d married her parents and presided over her naming ceremony, led the spirited service on the sunny, but cold day.
Heather and Glenn put the tallis on their daughter Lyla at an outdoor Bat Mitzvah service on October 18th.
A tent kept guests at Lyla’s Bat Mitzvah covered and socially distanced. Fleece blanket ‘party favors’ kept them warm!
In June of 2021, if larger events are permitted by then, there will be a big party to celebrate Lyla’s Bat Mitzvah, but after her Bat Mitzvah, individually packaged smoked salmon and bagel box lunches from the Crown were served with cupcakes from Claire’s served as dessert. Yum!
Lily had her Bat Mitzvah on October 31 at Congregation Kol Haverim in Glastonbury. A couple of days before her service, she and her family went into the sanctuary to record all of the singing parts of the service, including the chanting of the Torah out of safety concerns for the potential spread of Covid through aerosol particles. The sanctuary has an incredible multimedia set up for the Zoom service with multiple camera angles and a skilled technician running the service that included the cantor zooming in from the Midwest, camp friends, relatives from around the country, and a fun slideshow of Lily’s life.
Lily and her younger brother, on the bimah during formal pictures.
With only a few family members in attendance, Lily and her family wave at extended family and friends who zoomed in for Lily’s Bat Mitzvah, held at Kol Chaverim in Glastonbury on October 31, 2020.
With an incredible set up, Tom Tuling, husband of Rabbi Kari Tuling, juggled Zoom participants including Cantor Lauren Bandman, who joined them from the midwest.
Completely unique was an outdoor Bar Mitzvah on Abundance Farm in Northampton on November 12th! Talk about a weather gamble! The farm is part of the mission of Congregation B’nai Israel which adjoins it, and also part of the curriculum of the Lander-Grinspoon Academy, that shares a campus with the farm and synagogue. It was a big change from the family’s original plan, but the pandemic also offered a silver lining of sorts. Tal’s mom Nili explains:
“I really was disappointed at first. I was looking forward to having lots of family coming from out of town, from all over the world. I had a whole kiddush lunch menu planned almost a full year in advance. But on the other hand there were certain things we had not even allowed ourselves to entertain. We are a family that has always celebrated Jewish life in nature. But an outdoor bar mitzvah in November? With 300 people in attendance? An impossibility. Our synagogue would never entertain the notion, and our family absolutely would not have put up with it. But because of the pandemic, we got a bar mitzvah that was really reflective of who we are. And our family were so supportive, such troopers.”
A light rain fell intermittently during Tal’s outdoor Bar Mitzvah on Abundance Farm linked with Congregation B’nai Israel in Northampton.
Tal, with his parents Yosh and Nili
Nili pins a hand knit and dyed yarmulke onto Tal’s curly hair before the start of his Bar Mitzvah.
Tal, his parents, grandparents, relatives and invited guests on the farm.
For his mitzvah project, Tal worked with local artist Emmet Leader, to create nearly 100 tzedakah boxes for both the guests who were present at his Bar Mitzvah and those watching on Zoom. In Jewish tradition, putting money away weekly to give to those in need is one of the highest good deeds a person can do, and it’s a meaningful one to Tal and his family.
Right after the service, box lunches of sandwiches and tomato bisque were handed out to guests to take home. A couple of hours later, as klezmer band Burikes played in the parking lot of Congregation B’nai Israel, a ‘car parade’ extended the celebration. Family friend David Seidenberg arrived with a large circular rope, with knotted handles every six feet, so that a socially distanced hora could happen. And then spontaneously, Tal was lifted up on a chair by family and friends. At night, a dozen family members had a dinner together, and extended family and friends zoomed in to raise a l’chaim and catch up. Nili’s parents were also celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, and were presented with a cake that had their wedding photo on it. They were married in Iraq and emigrated to the US when Nili was a child.
Tal gets some special furry guests at his Bar Mitzvah car parade in the parking lot of Congregation B’nai Israel in Northampton.
Spontaneously, Tal is lifted up by masked family and close friends during his Car Parade Bar Mitzvah celebration. A klezmer band played, and a stream of cars came full of people sharing well wishes.
Madeline V. had moved her Bat Mitzvah from April 2020 to November 14th, with plans for a small backyard hot chocolate party in the backyard. When Covid numbers started to rise and parties were limited to 10 people, the date changed again for the party to get it in before the new restrictions took effect. As it turned out, the day turned out to be sunny and 70 degrees, so Ben & Jerry’s came with an ice cream truck instead of a hot chocolate truck!
Madeline (center) and friends at a backyard Bat Mitzvah party
An ice cream in the driveway for Madeline’s Bat Mitzvah
Pre-Covid, party planner Vicki Ross (https://plan-itvicki.com) had initially been helping the family plan for a large celebration for the original date. When it became clear that even the new date was not an option for something large, she helped Madeline and her parents move through their disappointment to create something celebratory, safe and special.
clockwise: Madeline and her family, friends sign a light up mirror created for Madeline by a group of friends called “The Villagers,” curious cats looking out on the festivities, swag bags, a centerpiece, a signing book, and a box for cards and gifts designed by party planner Vicki Ross.
Abby became a Bat Mitzvah at Beth El in West Hartford, on October 17th, and while her family had to postpone her party until late 2021, they wanted the day to feel special and had a luncheon with family and a few friends at Gillette Ridge Golf Club, with games and outdoor fun; we also got permission to be on the beautiful grounds of Hillstead Museum, where the party will be in October 2021, to do a fun family photo session.
Abby during her Bat Mitzvah rehearsal at Beth El synagogue in West Hartford.
Masked family portrait with the Torah
Abby, her mother and grandmother at an outdoor luncheon party following her Bat Mitzvah
Abby and her friends who play field hockey used golf clubs on the putting green to play some golf field hockey.
Noah’s Bar Mitzvah, like so many others in 2021, was moved from the spring, when we were newly shut down because of Covid, to October, when we imagined we’d be back to normal. Sadly, a new normal that involves an indoor party with a d.j. and 100 people is still months away. It didn’t stop Noah from chanting beautifully at Congregation B’nai Israel, but it did mean his party was cancelled. An open house allowed friends to drop by afterwards, and both of his sisters, Anna and Leah, quarantined and traveled from out of state to be with him for the weekend.
Noah, chanting his Torah portion during the final rehearsal before his Bar Mitzvah at Congregation B’nai Israel.
Noah and his sisters Anna and Leah, who came in to be with him for his Bar Mitzvah.
When I first met with Jessica’s family (photos below), I was so moved to hear that there would be 4 generations of the family present. FOUR GENERATIONS!! Jessica and her sister, their mother, grand mother and great grandmother. Yes, that moved me to tears.
Jessica with her sister, mother, grandmother and great-grandmother at her Bat Mitzvah. How extraordinary, especially during Covid, to celebrate with 4 generations.
Congregation Beth Israel, in West Hartford, is having in-person Bar and Bat Mitzvah services capped at 25 people. The cantor sings from the choir loft because of the risk of singing during Covid-19, and the service is videotaped for a live Zoom feed to family and friends.
Jessica, and her Family at Congregation Beth Israel in West Hartford.
Tamar and Tuvia’s garage was transformed into a library and beautiful setting for Menachem’s mid January Bar Mitzvah on Saturday morning (technology free, of course) and Zoom celebration after Shabbat ended. The following day was family photos outside and time for fun on the trampoline in temperatures that were in the teens.
Menachem receives lots of ‘mazel tovs’ on a Saturday night Zoom celebration with family, friends and classmates.
Menachem in the middle of his siblings
Menachem and his brothers and sisters on the trampoline.
Sometimes a mom calls and you just know you’re a fit! Such was the case when Faye’s mom Kimberly called me to see if was free to do some family photos and photograph the service at Temple Sinai in Newington a couple of weekends ago. I hadn’t met them in advance, which is very, very rare for me, and I loved the first impression of this glamorous, sophisticated, poised young woman in her white suit.
Faye, in her beautiful white pant suit, was all poise and confidence on the bimah of Temple Sinai, in Newington, a couple weekends ago. And how gorgeous is that tallis?
When Faye completed her Torah reading, and her d’var (her own commentary and teaching on her Torah portion), she was lovingly embraced by her parents. During non-pandemic times, few synagogues allow photography of services, but exceptions were made because it’s all done via Zoom, and the moments of love and connection are just incredible.
As a photographer I delight in every event I cover, and I hope this doesn’t sound hokey, but the work I do feels sacred. The photos mark a moment in a young person’s life where they’ve just accomplished a huge task and are surrounded by love and connected to generations and generations of ancestors and shared tradition. They are a link in history, a G-d wrestler, a new adult member of their community.
During Covid, the Bar and Bat mitzvah services I attended were also my only connection to any in-person synagogue activity because my own synagogue has only operated via Zoom. When I wasn’t taking pictures, I sat in the back, closing my eyes during the beautiful chants, my heart open. I felt a connection I’ve so deeply missed with my own Jewish community these past 10 months. I cried during some of the dvars and parent blessings. I was moved when grandparents, and even great grandparents walked up to the bimah or appeared via Zoom on the large screens in the sanctuary. My parents weren’t alive when my daughter had her Bat Mitzvah, and it was a loss I felt so deeply.
As the spring makes its warmth and hopefulness felt this week, and as CT and MA approve gathering for 100 inside and 200 outside, there might slowly be a return to what was once considered normal. On the other hand, there has been great beauty and meaning in the smaller gatherings during the pandemic - a simplicity and intimacy that worked for many of the Bar and Bat Mitzvah boys and girls, who had never been too keen on being the center of attention. For them, it was easier for to savor time with a few friends and some cousins than to be the center of attention in a large darkened venue with blaring music and strobe lights. Don’t get me wrong - I’m looking forward to the return of big parties, the energy of large horas, party games and crowded dance floors (and of course the chicken tenders from the kids buffet area!!), but I have cherished the uniqueness of each of the events I’ve photographed during Covid and how they authentically reflect the kids and families. Going forward, I wonder if they will influence a trend towards smaller parties, or if, as the Roaring 20s followed the Pandemic of 1918, we’ll see a crazy rush to large!